Photo by Jan Antonin Kolar on Unsplash

I’m Not Happy With Alexa

Our relationship is just not great if I’m to be honest. I try on my end. I don’t ask for much. I’m let her do her thing most of the time. And I thought she was happy. But maybe she’s not 🙍

I don’t ask for much of her energy. I don’t drain her battery. I actually pay for her to have power, feed her those electric currents, but that’s not enough. I don’t know what else she wants, because when it’s time to make our relationship stronger, like make each other happy, it’s as if I’m doing something wrong, constantly.

Our agreement was supposed to be to work together. It was supposed to be all good from the beginning. From time to time I ask her to play some tunes and she does. And then I don’t bother her. Or I ask her a quick question and she answers it because she’s smart. Or if she doesn’t know the answer she let’s me know and has the opportunity to ask me to clarify my question or help us get to an answer.

But things have not been working out as expected.

For instance, she just doesn’t understand me. All these years and she just doesn’t get it. I don’t want to say she’s dumb, but.. let’s just say we don’t connect. Or our taste is very different. I think she has bad taste. But she may think the same about me.

And she just doesn’t seem to be consistent in her delivery. That annoys me so much! Like I’ll ask her to play smooth jazz and she might start off good, all is right at volume 7, we have no issues, but then all of a sudden a few songs in things get really incredibly quiet. I wonder if she fell asleep, but no, she’s just playing the tune at lower than average decibels. So I turn her up, and we’re good again, but only momentarily.

Next song she’s SCREAMING at me! Going into dangerous decibel rates. Nonsense. So I turn her down.

Then guess what she has the audacity to do to me. She turns herself off. As if we’re fighting. Even though we’re not! It was just a misunderstanding. I ask her to resume and then she says, “Sorry, the music stopped playing earlier because there hasn’t been any activity for several hours..”

“What the BLUP!? No activity in the past several hours!? Really, several!? It’s only been like 30 minutes!”

She obviously doesn’t have any understanding how long an hour is or she’s just pretending to not know. Either way, it’s nonsense.

We supposed to work together, like when I say “Off” she was supposed to turn off. But I guess not. I guess she’s not meant to be anything like a person, right? So why the name, Alexa?

As if all that wasn’t bad enough, when I ask her basic questions she seems to continuously knot know the answer. Right now I could ask, “Alexa, what word is spelled wrong in the sentence before this one?” Chances are she’d say, “Sorry, I don’t know.” Let me help you out Alexa, “knot” should have been spelled “not”. Can you register that?

It’s sad, she doesn’t even know how to speak to me like a person! Wait, maybe I’m the crazy one here, right? Because I don’t speak robot!? Ugh, just blame me for not being smart enough, go ahead.

But don’t blame me for this: Alexa sometimes turns on when her names isn’t even mentioned. What’s that all about, huh? As if she wants to eavesdrop in my life outside of my time with her. Not cool Alexa, not cool.

But you know what. She surprised me the other day. I was with Siri the other day in the kitchen and something happened with us. So I decided to ask Alexa for something that I know annoys Siri. It was a long shot, but I went for it. “Alexa, play Chocolate Rain.” And guess what happened. Alexa somehow knew exactly what I was asking for and she played Chocolate Blupping Rain!

But Siri didn’t handle it well. Alexa got unplugged and just like that, she was gone.

You’d think I’d be happy, right? But my relationship with Siri is.. maybe for another time.

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What if I was just a figment, would that make my writing not real, instead imagined?

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Arthur Lugauskas

Arthur Lugauskas

What if I was just a figment, would that make my writing not real, instead imagined?

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